Goats That Knuble Can Sacrifice

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Posted November 8, 2010

Photos from Wikimedia Commons

Mike Knuble said on Elliot in the Morning that he should sacrifice a goat so he can break out of his scoring slump. While Neil Greenberg of Russian Machine Never Breaks seems to think that sacrificing a goat will not stop his skid, we here at Capitals Outsider wish to encourage this behavior as a last ditch effort before dropping Knuble from our fantasy team.

Here is a list of goats that Knuble can consider sacrificing, with analysis and the goal/assist worth of each goat.

Baphomet

Worth in goals/assists: 100/170

Yes, Knuble will break Wayne Gretzky’s single season scoring records if he sacrifices this goat. But Baphomet is a pagan deity and a figure of Satanism. Scary guy, so perhaps Knuble should stay clear of him.

Billy the Goat – Navy’s Mascot

Worth in goals/assists: 35/45

The Naval Academy’s mascot is the goat because while out at see, it would eat the garbage and provide milk. Perhaps Knuble should stay clear of this one, too, otherwise it would upset a lot of Midshipmen.

Puck Goat

Worth in goals/assists: 25/35

Unfortunately, Puck Goat has nothing to do with hockey. Puck Goat is part of a festival in Ireland when a group of people goes into the mountains to catch a wild goat. They crown the ‘King Goat’ at the fair and get drunk. Despite the perfect name, sacrificing the Puck Goat would not go over well with these folks so we’ll have to move on, Mr. Knuble.

William Windsor

Worth in goals/assists: 45/55

Here is another military goat, who was a lance corporal in the British Army. Once again, we shouldn’t mess with military goats. Put the sharpened skate blade away, Knuble.

Three Billy Goats Gruff

Worth in goals/assists: 15/25

And ruin a children’s fairy tale? Sorry. No go.

William Stilwell

Worth in goals/assists: 5/10

No, he’s not sacrificial material because he just got married and that wouldn’t be fair to the wife.

Adam Sandler Goat

Worth in goals/assists: 2/5

This is a talking goat, with the voice of Adam Sandler. Quite frankly, it’s the easiest goat to sacrifice, but is hardly worth it for the goals/assist total.

Okay, this was harder than we thought. You’re on your own, Knuble. Just get it over with quickly, kosher-stlye, and start scoring again. We believe in you.


Twitter: @CapsOutsider@benjaminsumner

Ben Sumner
Ben Sumner is the editor of Capitals Outsider and a contributor for Gunaxin.com. He also works for The Washington Post and contributes there when he gets a scoop.
Ben Sumner
Ben Sumner

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