Roasting the Caps

Posted September 12, 2016

(via Monumental Network)

After watching the debacle that was the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe recently, it occurred to me that area sports fans would probably appreciate televised roasts of local celebrities and athletes.

The idea sounds fun, but in practice, it would be a disaster. No matter how much we love these folks, they’re not stand-up comedians, and their jokes would miss the mark like an Esa Tikkanen forehand (hahahah). But that doesn’t mean we can’t ponder these ideas, and then formally propose them to Comcast SportsNet.

Picking the Roastees wouldn’t be difficult. Local legends like John RigginsJoe TheismannCal Ripken, and Wes Unseld are obvious contenders. In fact, a few years ago a roast of Joe Gibbs was held to benefit the D.C. College Access Program.

So now, here are my brilliant ideas for Comcast SportsNet roasts, hopefully to benefit a charity, and all for the amusement of us fans who want to see the lighter side of our favorite athletes Caps.

oviAlex Ovechkin

Roastmaster: John Walton

Roasters: Evgeny Kuznetsov, Barry Trotz, Karl Alzner, Troy Brouwer, Jason Chimera, Nicklas Backstrom, Brendan Witt, Brooks Laich, Justin Williams and Alex Semin (in the background laughing)

Surprise guest: Bruce Boudreau

First, I’ll start with the no-brainer. If any current player deserves a roast, it’s Ovi. And the roasters would have to be his current and former teammates, even though Backstrom isn’t exactly Jeff Ross. Caps fans would want to see this one more than any, though I strongly believe that it would be more awkward than funny, even after bringing back whittier former teammates.

Sample burn: “Ovi, you’ve led the league in goals six times and led the league in shots on goal ten times. So I’ll say this one last time in front of everyone here: Pass the f—ing puck once in a while.”

screen-shot-2016-09-09-at-8-56-45-pmTed Leonsis

Roastmaster: Elliot Segal

Roasters: Ernie Grunfeld, John Walton, Steve Buckhantz, Phil Chenier, Dick Patrick, Zach Leonsis, Steve Case, Sheila Johnson

Uncle Ted deserves a roast more than anyone. A staple of the community, Leonsis would have a long line of roasters from various parts of his life. The folks above are people who I believe would give him a good ribbing.

Sample burn: “Years ago, Leonsis created a board game. In this game, all the players do extremely well before getting eliminated early.”

screen-shot-2016-09-09-at-8-59-26-pmCraig Laughlin

Roastmaster: Joe Beninati

Roasters: Alan May, Courtney Laughlin, Kenny Albert, Al Koken, Michael Jenkins, Julie Donaldson, Chick Hernandez, Rod Langway, Brent Johnson, Dennis Maruk

Sample burn: “Laughlin has been a color analyst for 25 seasons with the Caps. It was a job he was groomed for during his playing days as a healthy scratch in the press box.”

This would likely be the funniest roast of them all, as the CSN crew are better suited for this sort of thing. Maruk and Langway would tell the best Laughlin stories from their playing days together, while his CSN colleagues would tell great stories from the past 25 years. With Joe B. emceeing, expect a lot of jokes about the podium height.

Here’s more of the humor to expect:

screen-shot-2016-09-09-at-9-01-55-pmBarry Trotz

Roastmaster: Wes Johnson

Roasters: Mitch Korn, Todd Reirden, David Poile, Craig Laughlin, Joe Beninati, Justin Williams, Alex Ovechkin, Nate Schmidt

Sample burn: “Trotz almost didn’t get involved in hockey. Years ago he was offered a promising career as a bowling ball.”

I’ll admit a roast of Bruce Boudreau would’ve been my first choice if we had to pick any Caps coach, but Trotz is a suitable candidate though we’ve only known him two years. That’s more reason to include some of his longtime buddies up on stage. Note that Justin Williams, more than any other Cap, seems to have that knack for one-liners, while Schmidt would provide the laughs.

screen-shot-2016-09-09-at-9-02-43-pmDale Hunter

Roastmaster: J.P. Flaim of the Sports Junkies

Roasters: Olaf Kolzig, Adam Oates, Alan May, George McPhee, Brent Johnson, Brendan Witt, Jim Schoenfeld, Clint Malarchuk

Surprise guest: Pierre Turgeon Rick Tocchet

Despite oh-so-serious press conferences during his coaching tenure in Washington, Hunter’s sense of humor, at least during his playing days, is well known. The roast may turn out to be just a bunch of stories of Hunter’s legendary practical jokes, like the time(s) he’d go to a urinal at a restaurant bathroom and ‘accidentally’ piss on someone’s shoe.

There you go, Caps fans, perhaps the worst idea I’ll ever propose.