An Evgeny Kuznetsov autographed puck. A Dave Martinez autographed baseball. A Markieff Morris...
A Man’s Guide to Being a Caps Fan
The New York Rangers made a huge splash on social media platforms Friday by publishing an article on their official fans’ blog which was meant to serve as a female’s guide to watch hockey. While the article was taken down soon after and an apology was issued via Twitter, the backlash was felt for hours afterwards. Tweets were abound by fans, bloggers, and even members of the mainstream media stating that the article was sexist and even bordered misogyny. A poster at the site HFBoards was able to transpose the article to the site before it disappeared from the fans’ blog entitled Blueshirts United.
So, this got us thinking — if Caps fans were to have their own “fan’s guide for men,” what would it look like? Well, we here at Caps Outsider came up with one and it would probably look something like this:
Hockey is the ultimate “man” sport. Where else can you find grown men skating around a sheet of ice at high rates of speed with weapons in their hand as they try to beat the crap out of each other? However, there are a few guidelines that you must follow. You don’t want to be like one of those idiotic Penguins fans who think they do nothing wrong but are hated by every other fan league-wide, do you? You’re better and classier than that; you’re a Caps fan!
1) Don’t be “that guy.”
Which “guy” do you ask? Well, there’s a few but we will go over the important ones:
Don’t be “that guy” who bangs on the glass when a fight breaks out in front of you. What, you’ve never seen two guys throw fists at each other? Act like you’ve been there before. And could you tell us what the point of banging on the glass is? You think you could jump in there and take someone out? If you were really that agile on a pair of skates, some other NHL team would’ve signed you to a contract years ago. Do you know the type of people who bang on the glass are? Neanderthal Flyers fans. Do you want to be lumped in with a fan base who is notorious for booing and throwing snowballs at Santa Clause? We didn’t think so.
Don’t be “that guy” who hits on the Red Rockers. Yes, they happen to be beautiful women who walk around the Verizon Center and help pump up the crowd during games and are the face of the team in the community. This is not a license to be creepy and stalk them. You’re not going to be the first person to do so and you’re not going to be the last. It’ll get you nowhere and you’ll just end up like Tyler Seguin on a Friday night – dateless and home alone on the couch. Don’t waste your time. We have a better chance at dating Kaley Cuoco than you do at dating a Red Rocker.
By the way – Kaley, if you’re reading this, we love you and please return our phone calls.
Finally, don’t be “that guy” who curses around little kids. In the heat of the moment we understand the tongue slips and bad language. You’re not St. Peter Bondra; it happens. Be cognizant of the mini-Caps fans around you, though. Just because your mind has been warped and poisoned doesn’t mean you should do it to a five-year old. So what if Alex Ovechkin shoots one off the post? Who cares if Jeff Schultz blows yet another defensive assignment? Be mad, but don’t curse. Besides, the kid’s father may want to drag you outside on F Street and knock some sense into you for cursing. We’d let him, too.
2) Beer- it’s your best friend
This should be done in moderation. If you’re like us and can handle your beer without looking like an idiot, then go nuts. Foreign or domestic – who cares as long as it’s cold. Besides, it’s there not only because the organization makes a ton of money off of selling it to you, there are times when the team plays bad it helps to ease the pain. If you’re a fan of DC sports in general this should not be a new concept to you. When you’re enjoying a game at home and decide to have a few just don’t throw a bottle at the TV whenever Sidney Crosby takes a dive and the Caps go down a man over a weak tripping penalty. Spending extra money over something Crosby does five times a game is pointless.
3) Ridicule people wearing other teams’ jerseys in the arena.
It’s just like that Under Armor commercial says: “We must protect this house!” So go ahead and protect yours. Too many times we have gone to other arenas, seen people wear other teams’ jerseys that didn’t belong to the home team, and nothing was done about it. That’s not going to fly at the Verizon Center. Sometimes the person committing the offense is just dumb and confused. If they’re wearing a jersey from any team in the Atlantic Division this will always be the case. If the person is wearing an Islanders jersey, go ahead and find a picture of Dale Hunter and show it to them. That should send them into a corner while they rock back and forth in the fetal position for a few hours. In case the Penguins are in town you’ll see a bunch of morons wearing Penguins jerseys. They tend to be a bit raucous. Just leave them alone. It’s like talking to a friend who’s drunk – there’s no chance of talking any sense into them. Just let them game play out and then when the Caps win just point and laugh at them as you walk out of the arena.
Hockey is one of the few sports where bro hugs are completely acceptable. If Troy Brouwer scores a game-winning goal that sends the Panthers back to whatever swamp they came from, rejoice! It doesn’t make you any less of a man to hug another man in celebration. Heck, the Capitals bro hug after every goal. That doesn’t make them less manly, does it? You don’t think you’re a bigger man than they are, do you? I didn’t think so.
That should just about cover the basics. If you have anything else you feel should be on the “man’s guide,” feel free to leave comments or tweet them to us. We look forward to your responses!