If the Caps Were Sharks…

Posted August 6, 2011

The offseason makes for quite a dull summer hockey-wise, despite such fun events as Brad Richardson, #Jagrwatch, and arbitration.  Save for the last, all have been long laid to rest, and yet there remains a full month before training camp begins.

Thank Discovery Channel for Shark Week!  The addictive mix of adrenaline, gore, and couch potatoing educates millions of people each year about the various species of maneaters and their victims, while generously feeding the Discovery empire.

With chum, I assume.

And though the event is updated with the latest technology and trends (Andy Samberg, huh?), there is a gaping puck-sized hole in the programming that can be easily fixed with Photoshop…

Ovechkin Shark

Alex Ovechkin doesn’t look any better as a sea critter, but it makes perfect sense that he would be a great white shark (and it makes no sense that he would be a San Jose Shark, in case you though that is where this article was going).

The most infamous shark and the largest predatory fish, its massive size and equally scary agility allow it to hit seals as hard and as fast as Ovie centers on opposing players and their net.  Jaws can grow to more than 20 feet in length and weigh up to 5,000 pounds.

Ovechkin is still growing.

Backstrom Shark

Both the Great White and the Great 8 are modern legends, as dangerous as they are intriguing, and prone to scandal.  Unprovoked, both can be quite docile and almost adorable at times, but the very real threat of attack is never far from one’s mind.

Though the oceanic whitetip shark is not as recognized as his counterpart, like Nicklas Backstrom, he still packs quite a punch.

At first glance, the whitetip doesn’t look like the typical maneater.  Its rounded fins seem more prone to flapping than swimming, and it appears to be in need of dentures.

But like Backstrom, this shark has a knack for being in the right place at the right time.

During World War II, the British steamship the Nova Scotia was torpedoed by a German U-boat off the coast of South Africa.

As the Germans watched, people began disappearing underwater, leaving blotches of red in the water.  By the end of the attack, only 192 of the 1,000-plus passengers remained.

Sidney Crosby might want to stay out of the water.

But what kind of shark does a goalie make?

Neuvirth Shark

The wobbegong shark is fun to look at, but if you get too close, you’ll probably get hurt.  Or eaten depending on size.

Michal Neuvirth is not a flashy player, not known for being overtly aggressive.

Like the wobbegong, he usually waits for his prey to come to him, sometimes even letting them take a nibble out of him.  It is this subtlety that allows both creatures to capture those unfortunate to get close enough.

Once caught, each also has the tendency to latch onto their victim, with the potential to cause some damage.

Take a look at some more Cap-shark hybrids:

Semin Shark

Carlson Shark

Laich Shark

Alzner Shark

Green Shark

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