After three shortened seasons in Washington, defenseman Jack Hillen was traded to...
Karl Alzner’s Mustache: A Historical Comparison
The Capitals defenseman’s glorious mustache was started way back before the season even started. According to Karl Alzner, the coaching staff isn’t big into beards, so he found a way to beat the system. Instead, Alzner decided to grow whiskers. His rugged manhood has become quite impressive since the start of the season
But, how does he stack up against the legendary men of facial hair? Has his mustache reached biblical proportions, or is it just puny compared to the manliest men of all manhood? Let’s make some comparisons.
Mark Spitz was the man of his time. Even though he had a brief career as an Olympic swimmer, he was still able to make his mark early. In the 1972 Munich Olympics, Mark the Shark set a then record of seven golds in one Olympic games. All while rocking a classy mustache. I mean look at it. It screams 70s. It’s impossible to take a bad picture when you have that trimmed perfectly just above your lips.
Karl Comparison: While Alzner’s is rugged, Spitz’s is pure class. Both are equally awesome, depending on what you want to get out of your mustache.
What is that? What on earth is that under Salvador Dali’s nose? It looks like something someone would sport in an insane asylum. And the embarrassing thing? This appears to take a really long time to get together. Like, 30 minutes and an entire bottle of mustache wax. And you just know he loved the look on himself. I mean, the guy is clearly insane, he made a living off of painting bizarre melting clocks.
Karl Comparison: Alzner’s is fearsome, while Dali looks like Pumbaa from the Lion King
Did you know he’s 60 years old? Jeez. Hulk Hogan didn’t earn his name for nothing. The 6 ft 7 in man has terrorized his opponents in the ring for 40 years. All while sporting a pearly white fu manchu. Everyone knows you are really only allowed to have a fu manchu if you are a fighting machine, so that must mean Hulk Hogan fits the category.
Karl Comparison: Both very similarly impressive, brother.
Now there’s a hockey player! His nickname was “Walrus.” Get it? It’s because he literally has the facial hair of a walrus. This hall of famer not only scored 500 goals in his NHL career, but he did it all while sporting a mean mustache. Imagine how much soup it could hold! Could you honestly mess with a guy who wore a mustache like that so well?
Karl Comparison: Sorry number 27, you have some work to do.
Much like Spitz, Fingers mustache is just sooooo 70s. The pitchers handlebar mustache became as cool as his heater, and became a staple fixture in his hall of fame career. And his dedication to his hairy craft is outstanding. He was offered a contract by the Cincinnati Reds, who have a strict facial hair policy. Fingers wanted known of that. He instead retired.
Karl Comparison: It’s just so well groomed Karl. It’s…it’s just amazing.
General Ambrose Burnside
…You lose Alzner.
So, where exactly does Alzner’s mustache stand amongst the greatest of the craft? It’s up to you to decide. There are just too many factors. Style. Amount. Cleanliness. But, each in their own special way are just magnificent.
So, join Alzner and his teammates in Movember, and root each player on to grow the best mustache they can. Make sure to visit the Washington Capitals Movember team page to help in any way you can. LETS GO CAPS!