There is nothing else to say about this.
What to Do If Bitten by a Hockey Player
While in the midst of a hockey game, emotions tend to run high. The emotions grow even more when it’s a playoff game, or specifically a Stanley Cup Finals game. Fights often break out, and sometimes in these fights, players get so angry that they lash out in the most gruesome way known to the game: They bite each other.
Over the past three seasons, there have been five of these vicious attacks, with Caps players being involved in two of them. Forget the fight against head shots, players should be more worried about this biting trend. With this type of attack apparently on the rise, we at Capitals Outsider feel it is our duty to protect our readers with the following guide.
How to determine if you have been bitten:
- Step 1: Look at finger or other potentially infected area
- Step 2: Ask, “Was my hand, or other limb, close to the biter’s mouth?”
- Step 3: Assume you have been bitten.
- Step 4: If still uncertain, show hand or other bitten area to a referee. They know all.
How to react to being bitten:
- Option 1: Calmly show the closest referee the bite marks. (See Dan Carcillo)
- Option 2: Show referee and have them completely blow you off because you are unreliable. (See Sean Avery)
- Option 3: Flail around the ice like some sort of wounded bird. (See Andrew Peters)
- Option 4: Make no excessive in-game raucous, but verbally insult the biter during postgame interviews. (See Patrice Bergeron and Brandon Dubinsky)
How to treat a bite:
Once the whole world (or hockey community) knows that you have bitten, treatment is the next step.
- Step 1: If the bite is deep, get stitches on the bench. If stitches are not needed, skip to step two.
- Step 2: Take antibiotics because you “can’t take risks.”
- Step 3: If antibiotics aren’t enough, go get a tetanus shot the next day.
- Step 4: Wonder how the hell someone’s teeth were able to bite through your glove.
- Step 5: Go out and buy new gloves because apparently yours are faulty.
Hopefully these steps will instill a safer environment for all hockey fans and players alike. Stay classy. This message brought to you by PAHPB: People Against Hockey Players Biting.
Past NHL biting incidents:
- Marc Savard vs. Dan Carcillo, May 3, 2010. Carcillo got into a scrum with Savard in which Carcillo’s glove came off and Savard sunk his teeth into Carcillo’s flesh. Carcillo claimed to have bite marks that he showed to the referee.
- Brooks Laich vs. Sean Avery, April 23, 2011. Avery joined a two-on-one scrum against Laich. At some time during the scrum, Avery claimed to have been bitten, but the referee disregarded him because he’s Sean Avery. Also worth noting, it cannot be considered biting if you are the one shoving your hand into another’s mouth.
- Jarkko Ruutu vs. Andrew Peters, Jan. 6, 2009. During a fight between Peters and Ruutu, Peters’s glove came off and Ruutu dug his teeth into Peters’s bare flesh. Peters needed stitches on the bench and was given a penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct.
- Alexandre Burrows vs. Patrice Bergeron, June 1, 2011. During a small brawl, Burrows allegedly sunk his choppers into Bergeron’s glove and got his teeth under the Bruin’s nail causing need for panic and worry.
- Shaone Morrisonn vs. Brandon Dubinsky, April 26, 2009. Whilst fighting to defend the honor of his fallen teammate Mike Green, Morrisonn supposedly chomped into Dubinsky’s arm with his rust-covered teeth. The next day, Dubinsky received a tetanus shot to ward off any infections.