The Caps’ Undercover Comeback Plan

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Posted May 4, 2011

Going into Wednesday night, the Washington Capitals have their backs to the wall. But despite being down 3-0 against the Tampa Bay Lightning, the Caps have been working hard on an rather unorthodox way to win.

As you know, the NHL recently came out with the Guardian Project, creating comic book superheroes for each team. For Washington, there is the “Capital,” a giant half-man half-bird that can see really far and sunburns easily. His powers also include “enemy infiltration,” something the Caps have picked up in light of their recent ineffective play.

George McPhee heads the operation, which began as soon as the Caps landed in Tampa. He immediately sent out Mike Green to get city surveillance information, as his scooter easily blends in with the Lightning’s fans’ tans. Semyon Varlamov got his first action of the series, breaking into the Lightning’s offices with Alex Ovechkin to get data on the mysterious 1-3-1 system. Mid-break-in a Lightning employee stumbled upon the two, but muscle-for-the-mission Alexander Semin was there to bongo him into unconsciousness.

The four reported back to the hotel with their information Monday night, where veterans Mike Knuble and Jason Arnott attempted to decipher it. From there, things only went downhill. McPhee asked Eric Fehr to order a hit on Steven Stamkos as David Steckel was rumored to be at a local golf club. For some reason though, he was still in New Jersey.  Swedes Nicklas Backstrom and Marcus Johansson were unable to construct a scoring device thought out by Johansson, as they had ordered parts from a mutual friend who owns an IKEA.

Ever ready, McPhee had a back-up plan, with Karl Alzner, John Carlson, Scott Hannan, John Erskine, and Jeff Schultz leading an attack on the Lightning locker room. But just as everyone was ready to go, the five defensemen mysteriously disappeared.

As I type, I am getting reports of a new plan for tonight’s game, but I sent my contact back to get some new ones, as the papers I have now are covered with barbecue sauce.

I am also being told that if you have any information on the Caps’ missing players, please contact Michal Neuvirth who is waiting anxiously by the phone.

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