How the Caps Can Theatrically One-Up Vegas

Posted June 1, 2018

As they have the entire postseason, the Vegas Golden Knights put on quite the show prior to Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Final.

The Golden Knight who has defended T-Mobile Arena throughout the postseason came forth once more to defend the Vegas stronghold. He faced one of his most difficult challenges yet, as this time he was facing multiple red-cloked adversaries. Fortunately for him, a trebuchet launched a 90kg projectile over 300 meters and destroyed all of the enemies but one. He easily disarmed his final challenger and forced him to retreat.

At this point, the Imagine Dragons appeared and held a concert that began after the game was scheduled to start.

Reviews for the performance have been mixed. Some appreciated the over-the-top pageantry that Las Vegas has been known for throughout the city’s history. Others found it a bit too much, and lamented the fact that an odd combination of Medieval Times, Ice Capades, Blue Man Group and a rock concert was delaying the hockey they came to see.

Regardless of individual reactions to the ceremony, one question loomed in the minds of all hockey fans as the dust settled on a thrilling 3-2 victory for the Capitals: how would Washington, D.C. respond to the ceremony when the series shifted back to Capital One Arena for Game 3?

Initially, I was of the opinion that the Capitals should go the opposite direction and do a minimalist, intimidating entrance a la Tyson vs. Spinks.

However, with the announcement that Sting, Shaggy, Fall Out Boy, and Pat Sajak will take part in the pregame theatrics, it appears that the Capitals are opting for one-upmanship.

This is certainly a solid lineup. With hits like Centuries and Light em Up, Fallout Boy is Imagine Dragons’ top rival when it comes to singles that are intended to be used at sporting events.

Sajak, the legendary Wheel of Fortune host, is a particularly fantastic get. Sajak will be in charge of player introductions. His voice is less recognizable than that of WWE ring announcer Michael Buffer, who Vegas used for its Game 1 introductions. Unlike Buffer, however, Sajak has a legitimate connection to the team. As a longtime Caps fan, Sajak should bring more raw passion than Buffer, whose Game 1 duties were just another night on the job.

But ‘solid’ just won’t cut it if the team is electing to go toe-to-toe with Las Vegas, an entertainment Mecca, in the theatrics department.

Vegas’ pregame ceremony was a microcosm of everything the city was built upon: taking performance and stagecraft to an extra level that borders on absurd.

For Washington, D.C. to truly beat Las Vegas at its own game, it needs to be true to itself… True to the ideals that the city’s founders had in mind when they decided to put the capital of the free world in a swamp. Here is a ceremony that can accomplish that:

Smoke fills the ice surface. As it fades, the crowd gasps, as standing before it is the very Golden Knight that has cut down his Capitals foes prior to the previous two games.

“Has Vegas hijacked our pregame ceremony?” All in the arena ask themselves.

But as the smoke fades, another figure stands some distance from the Golden Knight, tall and bearded. That’s right, it’s Abraham Lincoln from the Nationals’ famous Presidential Race.

Editor’s Note: We weren’t sure which image of Lincoln to use.

The Golden Knight moves in to attack Lincoln, but Lincoln raises his hand, urging him to stop. The commanding presence of the Great Emancipator forces him to oblige.

Capitals’ mascot Slapshot then brings out a podium, and Lincoln steps upon it. He then delivers a passionate speech about how knighthood is a remnant of a tyrannical system that oppressed serfs tied to their land… A system that this city was built to destroy. The Golden Knight’s constant use of the sword to vanquish all his opponents is as futile as it is immature. Eventually, the power will always be restored to the masses.

Maybe this one?

As Lincoln ends his speech, a projection of the United States Constitution appears on the ice. Terrorized by a document that hamstrings the cruel, uneven distribution of power he has built his life upon, the Golden Knight flees the ice in terror. Slapshot and Lincoln do a donut around him on Slapshot’s ATV for good measure. They whip the crowd into a frenzy.

Or maybe this one?

When the crowd has completely lost its mind, the red carpet is rolled out for one final celebrity appearance. As the crowd adjusts its eyes, all are fixed on one piece of clothing: a Kangol hat. Samuel L. Jackson, who despite growing up in Tennessee, was born in Washington, D.C., steps to the microphone.

Editor’s Note : We weren’t sure which image of Jackson to use.

“Enough is enough!” Jackson exclaims. “I have had it with these [expletive] Golden Knights in this [Expletive] series.”

Oh! This one!

The Eastern Conference champion Washington Capitals take the ice.