Brooks Laich’s Five Superpowers

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Posted June 28, 2011

(Photo by Alena Schwarz)

I breathed a huge sigh of relief this morning when Brooks Laich signed his six-year, 27-million-dollar contract extension. Folks who’ve read my posts on the Washington Post’s Box Seats blog know that I like to write about community relations and philanthropy, so in my mind this flat tire-changing wonder is elevated to near-superhero (read: actual superhero) status. Now that I’ve unmasked him (you’re welcome, Brooks), here are the five superpowers I’m hoping he’ll put to good use this season:

1)      Invisibility: Brooks, I’m throwing you this one as a favor. Now that you’re going to be in DC for the next six years, everyone who’s been holding out on buying your jersey in case you left is going to be stocking up on Laich apparel and stalking you for an autograph. Invisibility will help you avoid the crowds when you’re not in the mood to chat.

2)      Breathing underwater: This has absolutely no hockey value at all. Unless you’re at risk of drowning in the jacuzzi while the trainer is working on stitching up whatever crazy bleeding gash Matt Bradley has acquired, you’re only going to be able to use this to rescue children from drowning. Which, knowing you, you’ll do roughly five times a day. Lifeguards all over DC can just quit your jobs – Brooks has it covered.

3)      Superhuman strength: Oh good, a superpower you can actually use on the ice. For a guy who works as hard as you do, it will be nice to be able to squash your opponents and effortlessly plant yourself in front of the net. Just don’t get complacent.

4)      Spidey sense: The one superpower I wish I could bequeath to all hockey players. No more shots to the head for you – you’ll see those goons coming a mile away. Time will pass so slowly in your eyes that, in a split second, you’ll be able to take in everything on the ice. Alex Ovechkin already has this.

5)      Telekinesis: What a useless superpower for you, Brooks. You would never use your powers, for example, to slide a stick right out of a goaltender’s hands. Still, I’m sure you’ll find something useful to do with this, like play practical jokes on rookies.

In all seriousness, I was nervous that the Caps might not see a place for Laich on this team, and that they would undervalue his multitude contributions off the ice, both in the locker room and in the DC community. For $6.5 million next year, I’m pretty sure they see him here, doing great things both on and off the ice, for a long time.

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