Poetry Break: “If I Ran The Caps”

Posted November 24, 2011

The following poem, written in frustration after a 7-1 loss to Toronto, is based on Dr. Seuss’ classic If I Ran the Zoo.

“It’s a pretty bad team,”

said I on my Twitter,

“And all of these fellas

Look just like quitters.”

“But if I ran the club,

Then things would change.

If I were the boss,

I’d rearrange.”


Carlson and Alzner,

Eakin and Perreault,

Would see more ice time,

As would MoJo.”


“Siberian Alex,

Enjoy your holiday!

I’ve got your ticket to Krasnojarsk,

(Shhh, it’s one-way.)”


“Right now Ovi is captain,

which will cease to be,

Here you go, Laich,

It’s your time with the C.”


“Lumbering blueliners,

will never play,

Schultz had better like chocolate,

His new Hershey pay.”


“What we need on the back end

Is a guy who plays tough,

I think Pronger and his elbows

would be more than enough.”


You ask with incredulity,

“Why would Philly give us Chris?”

I reply, “We will give them Mike Green,

His injuries I sure won’t miss.”


“What about the goalies?”

You ask, to which I say,

“We’ve already got Vokoun,

Why can’t we trade Neuvy away?”


“We would bring up Holtby,

And if they both play like trolls,

Last time I checked,

Olie‘s on the payroll.”


“This brings me to the coach,

And here’s what I think,

If you wait too long after Thanksgiving,

Butterballs start to stink.”


“Let’s fire him now,

There’s plenty of cause,

Besides, he’ll find work

As a mall Santa Claus.”


“We need a new direction,

We need common sense,

For Dale Hunter, how much

Cash will it take to convince?”


“And if all else fails,

In the playoffs we still get degraded,

Find your suitcase, Ovechkin,

Because even Gretzky was traded.”

Happy Thanksgiving from Capitals Outsider. We say all of this with love and humor.