(Caps Outsider) University of Maryland graduates and Capitals Outsider contributors Ben Barr...
Virus Scandal Surrounds Slapshot (Both of Them!)
The fan favourite has been a bit under the weather, lately. Caps Outsider decided to find out why.
Slapshot. Whether you’re a fan in Reading or Washington, the name brings to mind an outgoing mascot capable of executing complicated drifting maneuvers with a quad-bike. Sadly, Caps Outsider has recently learned that all is not well beneath the furry facade.
It started small, as these things often do. First, the giant eagle in Washington developed an aversion to burritos and refused to film an updated Chipotle clip for the jumbotron. Then, the lion in Reading started pushing Tiara, his female counterpart, to start taking on more of his publicity spots. He still did the school visits, but she was the one working the crowds at the open air festivities. This was soon followed by skating difficulties so severe that the Washington eagle was temporarily grounded, with the backup Slapshot being stripped out of his referee jersey and thrown into the fray at Verizon Centre on short notice.
It is a truth long accepted, that mascot suits in the sport of hockey are inhabited by androids programmed by sports fanatics. While the above list might just seem like slacking to the casual observer (especially compared to the faux pas committed by mascots in other sports), to those in the know it was cause for serious concern. Tests were run, examinations were performed, but nothing was conclusively determined. Things continued to deteriorate behind the scenes, according to a pint-sized source who requested anonymity out of concern for his job in the Capitals’ Mascot Department.
Finally, with playoffs looming large (in Reading for certain, in Washington it’s still a matter for the optimists with 7 games left on the docket), the mascots were hauled in for extensive diagnostic testing by the Gates Foundation. The teams had been hoping to stave off the overhaul until the off-season, but things had become too dicey to chance a meltdown.
That’s when the problem was identified, a virus planted deep in the mascots’ software by Apple, Inc. Upon further investigation, those involved allege that the malicious software was created and embedded at the behest of the Los Angeles Kings following their participation in an iPad commercial. It is unclear whether the motivations were NHL or ECHL based, though the virus impacted both teams and fan bases equally. In Reading, the damage has already been mended and Slapshot is prepared to return to full duty. However, due to time constraints, the final fix for the Caps’ Slapshot will be completed during the Caps road trip later this week.
We’re all looking forward to the return of our longtime feathered friend, and wish him all the best in his recovery.
In case it wasn’t clear, the staff at Caps Outsider wishes everyone a Happy April Fool’s Day :)