Tale of the Tape: Aaron Volpatti vs. Mike Brown

Posted January 15, 2014

Aaron Volpatti – 6’0″, 215 lbs., 17 Career Regular Season NHL Fights
Mike Brown – 5’11”, 202 lbs., 81 Career Regular Season NHL Fights

January 14, 2014. Verizon Center. 11:39 minutes into the First Period. Score Tied at 0.

It was a long trip from San Jose to Washington D.C. for Mike Brown.

It all started when he got stuck sitting next to Brett Burns on the team plane. Brett Burns is the worst player on the San Jose Sharks to sit next to. He CONSTANTLY talks about himself, breaths through his mouth, listens to Pink on repeat and way too loud, and talks non-stop about all of his wood working projects he has back home.

“I’m currently working on a mahogany coffee table,” Burns said as popcorn falls from his mouth into his beard. “I originally wanted to go with oak, but I had used up the remainder of the oak on the canoe I built for Joe Thorton. Plus, I figured the mahogany matches the decor of my family room anyway. It’s Americana. What is your favorite Americana decoration Browny?”

When he is not being the worst airplane mate in the world, he’s sleeping, and when he is sleeping, he is snoring. And it is bad. It is a loud, bad snore. It was the longest seven hour flight of his light.

As he groggily steps off the plane, heading to his room, Brown finally believes he is going to get some rest. He closed the door, kicked off his shoes, took off his shirt and tie, brushed his teeth and washed his face, and made his way to his bed. He propped up his feet, let out a long sigh, and gently closed his eyes.

And then the phone rang.

Brown sat up, thinking it may be something important. He answers the phone.

Brown – Hello?
Voice – Hi, can I speak to Mr. Walls please?
Brown – There is no Mr. Walls here.
Voice – Oh, ok, then can I speak to Mrs. Walls please?
Brown – No, there is no Mrs. Walls either.
Voice – Oh, are there any walls there?
Brown – No, there are no walls here?

And the other line quickly hung up. It was the distinct voice of Aaron Volpatti.

This infuriated Brown. He was so angry that he was unable to get any sleep for the rest of the night. He swore he would take his revenge out on that evil Volpatti. So when the two lined up against each other in the first period, Brown dropped the gloves. And it was on.

Brown took got off to a quick start by throwing the first big punch, but he quickly loses his footing a little bit. Volpatti sees his opportunity and fires two quick punches towards Brown. But then Volpatti loses his footing, and Brown sneaks in a few quick punches. When Volpatti gets up, the two just unload on each other. You know when you are playing a video game that involves punching, or even something like Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots, and you don’t really know what to do, so you just keep pressing the punch button? Like, there is no strategy involved, so you just fire away? That is pretty much what these guys did. They just disregarded there faces and focused primarily on beating the oppositions face in. After the two Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em for a few seconds, Volpatti loses his helmet, and it falls in front of his face, screening him from seeing Brown. Brown continues to bring punch after punch, and gets the upper hand on Volpatti, who is forced to turn his back to Brown. As Volpatti clings onto Brown, Brown sneaks in a few lefts, and takes Volpatti to the ground. Both players walked away bloody, Volpatti a little bit more bloody than Brown.

And….the winner is….in a split decision…..MIKE BROWN