Bon Anniversaire Mathieu Perreault!

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Posted January 5, 2012

(Please do not try at home)

It seems very appropriate that I’m wishing Washington’s only Québécois a happy 24th birthday from his native province.  His hometown is a bit north of Montreal, so he’s probably celebrated something here at some point.  I’ve never been to Drummondville, and I’m sure it’s a very nice town, but nothing’s quite like partying in the big city.

Wait, what’s that you say?  You forgot Matty P’s b-day?

Well, you came to the right place. Capitals Outsider has some easy-to-find-and-buy items tailored just for your favorite fourth-line center.

A Twitter Account

As the only French-speaker on the Caps roster, Perreault has a cultural obligation to provide random and vague glimpses into his life.  Now, this would be the equivalent of lingerie from your boyfriend (or girlfriend)–it’s more of a gift for “the relationship” than for Perreault himself.  That being said, MP85′s fans are in dire need of some tender lovin’.

Nine Caps (10 including Holtby) have Twitter accounts, including old man Knuble, who most thought would never get one.  Cody Eakin‘s and John Carlson‘s tweets are enough evidence that Perreault would be an amazing online personality.  Their accounts are also good places to encourage “Flow Perreault” to put on that teddy birdy.

It's like a sign from the social media gods.

Mylanta Ice Cream

I’m not sure what is going on with Perreault’s stomach, but it seems to be cursed.  He is of course still recovering from almost disemboweling himself in Buffalo, and according to Eakin, he can’t keep anything down, period.  So he’s probably in need of  something to ease the pain of having to constantly take medicine to get his energy to Perreault-esque heights.

Now this gift requires a bit of work on your part, but everyone knows that handmade presents are the best. However, I do suggest that you don’t substitute Mylanta with anything else, or add other drugs.  That might be illegal.

Capitals Outsider does not endorse the reckless use of OTC medicine. But duude...

Rene Furterer Naturia Dry Shampoo

A busy man like Perreault requires an economic way to keep his luxurious locks on point.  The man never knows when he may be interviewed or when he’ll show up on international television/Youtube.  A dry shampoo is quick, and the best ones make it look as if you’ve spent hours in the salon.

As one satisfied consumer put it: “This soaks up all the oil, smells like fresh lemonade, and leaves your hair with that volume and ‘extra kick’ that you sometimes only dream about.  Every time I spray this on, I get compliments on the bounce.”

But whatever you do, don’t get him that Bumble and Bumble Hair Powder crap.

Boudreau: "Hey Matty, you should cut--what are you looking at?" Perreault: "California's that way, right?" (Photo by Alena Schwarz)

Taylor Lewis

Taylor Lewis

Contributor at Capitals Outsider
Taylor is a journalism student at the University of Maryland, College Park. Though she's covered everything from art to politics, her passion is hockey. Through her work with Capitals Outsider, Taylor has been in the locker rooms of the Washington Capitals and Reading Royals. The Maryland native also contributes to College Hockey News and started an arts and literature publication, The Writers' Bloc, on the College Park campus. A top-five finalist for The Goalie Guild's inaugural Redfield Internship Program, Taylor also enjoys writing creatively. Some of her poems have been published online and in addition to a book about hockey, she is in the process of writing a novel.
Taylor Lewis
Taylor Lewis

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