The USA Warriors beat hockey media members in a shootout.
How to Get Your Capitalsology Degree
As August turns into September, we are once again reminded of a time honored tradition. No, I’m not talking about opening week of the NFL season, but returning back to school. Long lines in the bookstore for expensive textbooks, mediocre food in the cafeteria, and registering for pointless classes gives one a sense of accomplishment once someone receives that hard-earned degree. (Okay, seriously, can someone explain to me when in everyday life would one need to know what a sine, cosine, and a tangent is? I didn’t think so.) What if I told you that I came up with an associate’s degree program that you could use in everyday life? It’s informative, practical, and would make you want to go to school every day! And besides, it’s an associate’s degree program. You can save yourself money every year instead of giving American or George Mason $30,000+ a year for tuition. So without further ado, I present “Capitalsology.” the study of the Washington Capitals!
To get into this program, you must maintain a 2.0 GPA. There are a few prerequisite classes you must take before applying to admission, but if you think you’re going to have an issue maintaining this GPA, I’m pretty sure you can bribe the admission committee with season tickets or a few jerseys. Down below are the prerequisite courses. You can take them in any order, but this is a sample schedule. Pittsburgh fans are barred from applying for admission into this program.
Prerequisites – Learn Hockey
Semester 1 – 17 credits
(You can skip these if you’ve played or watched the game without having to interrupt someone to explain a basic rule)
MTH 112- Hockey Statistics (3 credits)- This math course will teach the student how to determine basic hockey statistics, such as goals against average, save percentage, and shooting percentage. Course will also go over probability of scoring a goal in relation to where on the ice a player shoots the puck from. Scientific calculator is required for class.
LAW 145- Law of Hockey (3 credits)- A 3 credit course designed to introduce the student to the rules and regulations of hockey. Student will be proficient in learning the different penalties in a game and when to call them and not to call them. Final exam consists of student wearing a referee’s uniform and going onto the ice and officiating a live game.
ENG 210- Hockey Journalism (3 credits)- Students will be introduced to writing newspaper articles about hockey games they just watched. Each week, students will compete against themselves to have their articles published in the local newspaper. In addition, students will learn the art of gathering information from interviews and press conferences for newspaper articles.
PHY 130- Physics of Hockey (4 credits)- This demanding 4 credit course is designed to teach the student on how to determine the velocity of a puck without a radar gun, force of a hipcheck from another player, and how much energy a player puts out when skating around the ice.
ACC 179- Hockey Accounting (4 credits)- A 4-credit class designed to teach the student the fundamentals of being a hockey general manager. Students will learn how to manage a roster in correlation to a salary cap and be introduced to terms such as unrestricted free agent, restricted free agent and two-way contract.
Semester 2 – 16 credits
SOC 133- Sociology and Hockey (3 credits)- An intriguing course designed to teach the student how hockey influences different cultures. Students will be required to attend five out-of-town games and writes papers on how different cities support their hockey teams and the influence the team has on their individual communities.
HIS 110- The History of Hockey (3 credits)- From the Original Six to the four straight Stanley Cups by the New York Islanders, students will be taught how the National Hockey League developed throughout the decades to the conglomerate it is today.
MTK 224- Marketing and Hockey (3 credits)- This class will teach the student how teams generate more revenue due to merchandise sales; TV, radio, and newspaper advertisement; and social media.
PSY 152- The Psychology of a Hockey Player (4 credits)- A 4 credit course that will cover why hockey players are as tough as they are and what makes a hockey player “tick” the way that they do.
POL 231- The Hierarchy of the National Hockey League (3 credits)- A class designed to teach the student who the Commissioner of the National Hockey League is, who the Deputy Commissioner is, etc. and how the Commissioner is elected.
Now that the prerequisites are complete, the student can apply for admission into the Capitalsology program. Below are the required classes to be completed by the student in order to achieve a degree in Capitalsology.
Semester 3 – 16 credits
CAPS 101- Introduction to the Washington Capitals (3 credits)- An introductory course designed to teach the student basic concepts of the Washington Capitals, such as who the head coach is, who the captain and alternate captains are, and the name of the Capitals mascot.
HIS 530- A History of the Washington Capitals (3 credits)- A 3 credit course designed to instruct the student of the history of the team. The student will be required to know how the franchise came to fruition, the different logos and jerseys of the team, basic statistics of the team such as who scored the first goal in franchise history and what team did they recorded their first win against, and to name all the individual award winners in Capitals history and the year they won the award.
SOC 235- “Rock the Red”- A New Culture in Washington, DC (3 credits)- This sociology class will cover the phenomenon of “Rock The Red” and how it energized a city to rally it around it’s team and emerging it into an NHL superpower.
ARC 335- Capitals Architecture (3 credits)- An in-depth look into the designs and layouts of the Capitals Centre in comparison to the Verizon Center and to other arenas in the NHL, and a detailed study of Kettler Iceplex.
BIZ 417- Capitals Management (4 credits)- This class is designed to teach the student how to think like a Capitals head coach and General Manager. Students will be responsible for keeping track of injuries and players being promoted from and relegated to Hershey. Students will also be responsible for writing lineups for each game with healthy scratches.
Semester 4 – 17 credits
CAPS 121- The Capitals and the NHL (4 credits)- A fast paced course designed to show how the Washington Capitals are the best franchise and have the best fans in the NHL in comparison to other franchises.
CAPS 128- Manufacturing Goals: An Ovechkin Synopsis (4 credits)- A course to teach students the rise of Alexander Ovechkin as an NHL superstar and media aids to show some of his greatest goals in the NHL to date.
CAPS 140- Contemporary Capitals Issues (3 credits)- An in-depth look of the last 3 playoff busts and to formulate ideas of how to get the team over the playoff hump, to include draft picks, the free agency market, and trades.
BIZ 349- Capitals Business Communications (3 credits)- This 3 credit class will show students how to write press releases as written by the franchise’s media relations department and how to communicate with media outlets, such as The Washington Post and Comcast SportsNet.
PHI 474- Capitals and the Future- A Philosophical Look (3 credits)- Students taking this class will study the philosophy of the Washington Capitals to date and to determine what philosophies the franchise should take in order to maintain being a Stanley Cup contender in the future.
After taking these classes, you will graduate your college with an AAS in Capitalsology and be the most informed Capitals fan you know. I encourage you to print this out and talk to your college president and/or dean about how you can institute a Capitalsology program at your school. And just remember, if they’re looking for professors, I’m only an e-mail away!